Everybody toots

Saturday night we had another wild night of scrabble debate with Tom & Jenny. The intricacies of board games aside, the chili Jenny made was out-of-this-world good. So good, I helped myself to three bowels of the bean-laden gas main.

Imagine my glee when I awoke on Sunday to find an old friend had stopped by for the day...chronic flatulence I call "Toot". I decided to make our day together fun, so right away I called a meeting to plan the days events while I brushed my teeth. My friend was very vocal during this discussion...so much so that I feared my wife would hear he had arrived. Her not liking unannounced house guests and all, I feared for the worst and quickly pinched off the discussion. But Toot had brought his wife...a friend to Jodi...who rudely woke her up. I could hear their discussion heating up. I smelled a fight brewing as they made plans for their day together.

Our first activity was some outside work. Toot, afflicted with a blinding sulfur odor, appreciates the outdoors so as to not draw attention to himself. I have to admit, I appreciate our time outdoors as well, and for exactly the same reason. I dressed for work and went outside only to hear Toot screaming every time I bent over. Coveralls are Toots nemesis, and every man who has similar friends knows why. You see...Toot was trapped. When Toot is trapped he lingers, and lingering is something Toot and I don't like to do together. I shed my coveralls for Toot's sake, and our morning became much more enjoyable. As I worked...he wafted.

That afternoon Toot and I went bowhunting. Now, Toot rarely goes hunting with me, but frequently accompanies me fishing. Toot himself is the first to acknowledge that his presence can scare deer, and today he was capable of removing paint from the walls. So to make him feel more comfortable, I dressed us in Scent Blocker Plus carbon clothing...kind of like Harry Potter's invisible cloak...only for Toot's kind.
I had to test our disguise, so I called out to Toot. No answer. I could have sworn I felt the door open, heard the rush of air as he entered the room, even a faint whisper of his voice; but the tell-tale sign of his presence was nowhere to be smelled. Perfect. Toot could now enjoy bowhunting without ruining it for me. It was a milestone in our friendship.

By the time we got home, I could tell Toot was getting tired. Appearing stale and weak, he could no longer play as many times in an hour as he once could, and I could sense our visit coming to an end. Despite his pleas for an Old Style (his energy drink of choice) to buy some more time, I told Toot he must move on. Sometime during the night, Toot and his wife "Tweet" silently left our house. And although Jodi claims their smell will linger for days, it's a small price to pay for companionship.

It's always nice to have company, but it's nice to see them leave as well. I'll see you again soon Toot. Thursday night is Mexican night...don't be late.